UFC
Danzig vs. "Handsome" Matt Wiman
SKG: Ugh. Look at that face.
APG: Yeah. And the bad thing is, he showed up to the fight like that. He fell on the way in.
SKG: Who's he fighting?
APG: "Handsome" Matt Wiman.
SKG: Oh, right. It's written on his pants. That's how you know it's true.
***
APG: Well, they're never gonna call you Handsome Mac Danzig! Am I right, folks?
***
APG: It's a good fight. close.
***
APG: I hope Wiman won that fight. I hate Danzig. You suck, Danzig. Haahaha. Awesome.
***
Bellator
Pringle?Prindle? and some Red Dude
APG: Look how red that guy is. Jesus. Slap him in his sunburn!
APG: If Louis C.K. turned into a monster, that's what he'd look like.
SKG: That might be the most accurate thing you've ever said.
APG: That's kind of a back-handed compliment.
***
APG: That other guy's like, "Fuck, Man. No Monster Louis C.K.! No!"
***
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SKG: You okay?
APG: I ate, like, four pounds of enchiladas.
***
UFC
Johnson vs. Brenneman
SKG: Brenneman has fabulous hair.
APG: He do. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm not jealous. I have a lot of weapons at my disposal, though. That eight-track recorder over there.
SKG: It is sexy.
APG: Charlie "The Hair Dream" Brenneman!
***
Bellator
Pringle?Prindle? and some Red Dude
APG: These clowns are still at it?
APG: Ooo. He just punched him in the face. And he still hasn't felt it.
SKG: Oh my god. Frankenstein's like, "What do you mean I can't hit him in the back of the head?"
APG: He's in the front ball-lick position.
SKG: DId he (the commentator) just say, "he has facist left hands?"
APG: He caught him with a right-handed Hitler. He got him in a rear-naked Stalin!
***
UFC
Johnson vs. Brenneman
APG: Johnson's like, "His hair's so nice!"
APG: That's pretty nasty. Holding his head down with one hand and punching him in the head with the other? That's just mean. It's a bully move.
APG: Don't mess up his hair! You're giving him split ends.
***
ANDREW READS THE TRANSCRIPT THIS FAR
APG: Oh boy. I'm sure people will be impressed. They'll be like, "Oh how cute. They let the retarded people watch the fights?"
***
UFC
Johnson vs. Brenneman
APG: He's like the Denzel Washington of UFC.
APG: (Speaking as Johnson) "The man is a beast. Unfortunately, my foot is a bigger beast."
***
Bellator
APG: Did they give up? Bellator's like, Fuck It. That Red Dude was the best thing we have.
SKG: (Seeing Bellator girls demonstrate the moves of the fight before) Oh no. No they didn't.
APG: Oh yes. Oh. Yes.
APG: And that is what the UFC is missing. You win, Bellator!
***
Ivanov vs. Jensen
SKG: Look at his kicky little red boots!
APG: (As Ivanov in Russian accent) I have won many stuffed animals at the Circus Circus. The slot machines are crazy, am I right, folks? What a country!"
***
COMMERCIAL BREAK
APG: I walked by the enchiladas and I want to eat them.
***
UFC
Struve vs. Barry
APG: That looks like more than a foot difference.
SKG: The Dutch style of kickboxing?
APG: Which is basically where you find a drunk blonde chick . . .
SKG: Ooooohhhh. Boo!
APG: I can't even finish that.
APG: (as Barry) I sent an uppercut into heaven. And it went straight up his nose.
APG: He's giving him the Doof Rufus. Gabe would probably have a definition of the Doof Rufus. "That is where, uh, one gentleman straddles another gentleman . . ."
APG: How many times do you think Goldberg is going to say that Struve is 6'11"? 30?
***
Bellator
Ivanov vs. Jensen
APG: He has an essay written on his back.
***
UFC
Struve vs. Barry
Goldberg: Chopping kick by Struve.
SKG: Chopping kick?
APG: He said Shopping kick.
***
APG: And then they made love!
***
Rogan goes to interview Struve.
SKG: Oh my god! Joe Rogan's so tiny!
***
Struve to crowd: Give it up to Barry. He's a cool dude. I couldn't have done it without him.
APG: No. No, you couldn't have.
***
SKG: Watch Goldberg's face. It's like he's actually considering what Rogan's saying. "Hmmmm . . . yup, yup, I agree with that."
APG: (As Goldberg) You bring up a good point this time, Rogan. So I'm gonna say, "Right you are."
***
Bellator
Replay of last boring fight
SKG: That was the sloppiest reverse kick I've ever seen.
APG: (As Jensen) Rawr. My leg is filled with gravy!
***
UFC
Demetrious Johnson vs. Dominick Cruz
SKG: If we have another boy baby we should name him Demetrious.
SKG: They call him Might Mouse? That doesn't seem like a really tough fighting name.
SKG: (as AC/DC for Dominick Cruz entrance plays) I hate this theatrical shit.
APG: He's listening to something different. (SINGS) "It's Raining Men" (SINGS) "I saw the sign/It opened up my eyes/I saw the sign"
***
SKG: Wait, he's 5'3"? That explains the Mighty Mouse.
***
APG: (Makes some comment about Cruz's good hair) I don't wanna see a trend on there (referring to the blog) where I make jealous comments about people's hair.
SKG: I didn't get the last comment, don't worry. And I think you were justified in Brenneman's case, because he DID have gorgeous hair.
APG; (Sigh) He did, right?
***
Goldberg: HERE WE GO!
APG: And keep in mind that the two of you together are the size of a normal man.
***
SKG: Look at Johnson! He's scrappy. Woah. Can't keep that leg up that long.
APG: I. don't. know. what's. happening.
SKG: I know! It's a flurry of small limbs!
APG: It's like watching two children fight.
***
SKG: They have so much energy! Neither one is tired!
APG: They're like our kids.
***
Bellator
APG: And then . . . on the other end of the spectrum.
(Two heavyweight fuckers moving like snails)
APG: (In slow mo) You. have. hair. on. your. face. I. don't. have. hair. on. MY. face. Give. me. that. hair.
***
UFC
Demetrious Johnson vs. Dominick Cruz
Rogan: The pace at which these guys are moving is ridiculous.
SKG: It's ridonkculous!
***
APG: This is like when the two terminators were fighting.
***
APG: Little minature terminators.
***
Bellator
APG: And these two are still standing here trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. (In slow mo) Your. shorts. are. black. My. shorts. are. white. Hey. give. me. those. shorts.
***
APG: They should have these two fights in the same ring at the same time.
***
UFC
Demetrious Johnson vs. Dominick Cruz
Goldberg: This is a title fight full of perpetual motion.
SKG: Sometimes, Goldberg's a poet.
***
Johnson escapes, amazingly, from Cruz's lock.
APG: HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF SUPER-BABY!
***
SKG: Goldberg's behind them. He's like, "Both men, excellent at wall-walking", and Mighty Mouse turns around and says, "Shut up, Goldberg! You're making me look STUPID!"
***
SKG: I'm gonna run out of battery power soon. The laptop, not me.
***
MTV2
SKG: Bully Beat Down? Ugh.
***
UFC
Demetrious Johnson vs. Dominick Cruz
SKG: Demetrious Johnson is my new hero.
Watching replay.
SKG: That flip is so scary! These little guys are so bendy.
***
And then we watched Bully Beat Down. 'Cause it's kinda funny. At least, Mayhem Miller is funny. Even with the lisp.
